OD2016

by Saudade

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1.
im taking a step to look at my face in the mirror to see how much ive aged but nothing is quite as crystal clear as this freight train to the wrong direction ive been on for years my reflection shows a boy a girl a kid too afraid of the world but I have put up a good fight take a look at my stomach ive almost clawed my way to the outside dont polish my gears, or chip off the rusting my time is running out and boy im tired of running this steady conflict I have with my skin it won't give if it breaks it comes back and brings friends taking a step back and changing my pace ive been dancing my way to an early grave but I wanna be something more than an illness the feeling of your parents disappointment the feeling in your chest when you realize that no one will stay and you can never go back to the one place you felt safe dont polish my gears, or chip off the rusting my time is running out and boy im tired of running this steady conflict I have with my skin it won't give if it breaks it comes back and brings friends and im half the man I used to be I choke on all my insecurities i'm waiting for the axe to fall no matter where it lands it wont cut everything off
2.
Missing 03:52
hit or miss i pull down my sleeve because ive been hiding scars when you think im not how can you believe me, when ive been sitting at home in the basement have I been making friends, or empty spaces ill fade again this month when the floor tell me ive lost my skin deep comforting ive been awake since the morning you left me so come talk to me if I am still the same I'm just buried, but im not sad I just wanna give you my 2cents before we lose whats felt like progress to me im trying, lying harder the only person in my way is me my headstone reads you should have quit while you were ahead ive been awake since the morning you left me and youve been safe since the morning you left me and my skin deep comforting I never felt love through intravenous things
3.
waking up upset, last night i called it quits went the extra mile, to make sure that I could swallow it i don’t think ill make the next three months of summer with the same damn notes and the same damn lines repeating, over and over I fucked up, I fucked up again I’m slamming dope again, the best decision that ive ever made these empty people in my life, remind me that I have been alive and I quit smoking, the worst decision that ive ever made I still miss you when you leave to go outside I fucked up, I fucked up again and it’s been a while since ive had any kind of contact with the outside world I hate it wouldn’t be so bad, if I knew how to act to pull myself out of this grave you know we’re still the same….
4.
ive got an axe to grind on what weve had these past few months it was a dream and I woke up shivering in cold dead arms it’s not just what you said, it’s criticisms of our half-lived lives more in moments faking everything you felt I’d rather die than live this lie ive got a thousand reasons why i think it’s time we take our leave from this charade and I think it’s time we sat and had a talk about our future plans they’re incompatible and I don’t think we’re ever going to last i wanna run away, forget you and your empty promises i never want to be reminded of this sham I’d rather die than live this lie ive got a thousand reasons why i think it’s time we take our leave from this charade
5.
Sunshine 01:31
sunshine pass me by cause I don’t have the time to play around get fucked up and fall down but ill try not to blink before I hit the ground spike the punch im love drunk and I think the worst of that day between soap and hot water, the hangover stays what am I to do when my nightmares are cluttered with pictures of you this side of me is well hid, the poison in this pen will plague you again and when you run out of time ill forgive and forget that you left me behind i don’t mean to sound harsh but opening up old wounds is a start im not you and I could never beat you try and you might theres no seeing me through my heart is too rooted to budge but if I start to drink its a cradle not a crutch and if it starts me back and square one ill only be happy when my song has been sung
6.
maybe im just like my father maybe he's just like his father too maybe I wont be bothered if my kids turn out like their father too cause I know that im alright and I know that they will be alright I know that im just like my mother always looking for a fight kicking and screaming but cautious and dreaming you'll never blow out my light I know it burns dull sometimes my best friend taught me how to disappear when he went away last year he comes back to visit sometimes and I trade contact for lies I cant see you this time but I hope what I leave behind meets you somewhere down the line
7.
Psycho-NOT 03:33
a house a block away, someone remind me why I decided to stay another cigarette is pressed between my lips the room tilts backwards and I'll sit and spin but I know I deserve worse than this a vice is a walk away drink up polyesterics and prey that this love will wake pray make it stay once again with less feelin drink up the red, drink up the red once again with less feelin ill sit and spin ill sit and spin and if I feel like shit again im getting used to it these days it's not as hard to stomach so early up and out of bed ignoring the voices don't ask me what the hell they've said and I for one and going broke drowning my monsters when I don't stand a chance when she's puling and pulling and now i'll go back
8.
calm before the sun opens me up like a window puts me out like a baby and it's the only thing I know that can save me I don't mind the rain it doesn't fall on my head i don't mind the rain and it never minded me dawn before the sun builds me up like my next home the people inside don't mind i am always gone away i don't mind my head but my body lost all my respect i don't mind my head and it never minded me come down from your pedestal it's nicer here on the ground yeah we've all got our sorrows and we all let ourselves down I don't mind the rain it doesn't fall on my head i don't mind the rain i don't mind the rain
9.
close your eyes and forget the past try to forgive me and make your way back unless leaving is what you needed to do what did you have to lose why did I have to lose you ive been drifting away in this flood since the day I was born since that day ive been torn apart ive been sinking and choking on mud since the day I was put on this god damned rock im not breathing not breathing not breathing not breathing hell i'm not even here im not breathing not sleeping not eating not dreaming hell im not even here at all so suck it up and write it off as a flaw i wasn't there but I know what I saw these memories that aren't mine scare me to death to death to death to death so i'll end it instead
10.
shutter 03:37
take a look at me and tell me im crazy baby I know I am I thought you would've learned by now it's such a perfect day I spent in bed again dont you know it's so bad for my head ill try to sleep and ill try to stay happy and ill try to sleep even if I wake up half the man I used to be and choke on all my insecurities i'm waiting for the axe to fall no matter where it lands it won't cut everything off give me some time to figure it out I used to be honest I used to be proud to have seen what ive seen i'm running in circle open up my chest and nail my heart onto the door it's much more useful up there now it has a purpose up there now on that door

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released January 24, 2016

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Justice Claggett Boise, Idaho

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